By Pablo Cingolani
Imagine what someone published: that the place where “the TIPNIS” live, that is, the TIPNIS jungle, is full of bugs (mosquitoes, boros, fly larvae, river parasites, spiders, chulupis, ants, snakes and tigers ). One would have to consider where to put them: a museum, a box, a neighborhood on the outskirts of Santa Cruz or Buenos Aires or Miami - better Miami, all at once; Obama can pay for tickets - a cemetery, a cage, a website.
We should first consider where to put them: a museum, a box, a neighborhood on the outskirts of Santa Cruz or Buenos Aires or Miami - better Miami, at once; Obama can pay for tickets - a cemetery, a cage, a website.
The Pacahuaras, who are very few, could be put in a phone booth or a purple Volkswagen.
The Araonas - about 100 survivors of the rubber-era genocide - can be placed in a gym or a Chinese restaurant, moving tables and vases to make room. Then they would eat chop suey and tofu cupcakes; not yuca and jochi pintao, as they always eat.
We could put the Yuquis behind a Persian screen or on a three-story cruise ship of the kind that goes through the Caribbean, so they go fishing for sharks and having crazy fun. If they get bored, they go to the casino or watch a Rambo movie or discuss the weather with the captain.
The chimanes are more. Some could be taken to Quetena, in the highlands of Sud Lípez, where there are few people, and more patriots are needed on the border. Others can fit on a Japanese drone rocket or Airbus, the kind of new ones, for 700 passengers. They would not have hunting problems, survival problems, nothing, because the stewardess would come every so often with tuna and pickle sandwiches and glasses of Scotch whiskey or Russian vodka, as they want according to prior consultation.
We must respect, well respected, that of prior consultation. I said whiskey or vodka to say, if someone wants Cuban rum or a mint candy or a parachute to get off the plane, that's what the happy query is for.
You have to think about it well, plan it better.
This that the government is "discovering" - that "the TIPNIS" live for shit - is very serious.
Imagine what someone posted: that the place where they live, that is the TIPNIS jungle, is full of bugs (mosquitoes, boros, fly larvae, river parasites, spiders, chulupis, ants, snakes and tigers). It is something inconceivable: how can you live like this? Those who say that these people live for shit are right.
Something will have to be done.
Some naive may believe that the issue of bugs can be easily solved: giving Baygón to the TIPNIS. And an Uzi to kill all the tigers. It is not that easy. Let's say they kill all the sad tigers, but will they be able to kill all the ants? These bugs are billions, which I say: they are billions of billions and they reproduce second by second.
Mao wanted to kill all the ants in China, and one day a billion Chinese stepped on ants - on Mao's orders, of course. Mao gave an order and cool! that a Chinese or Chinese did not comply with it. Well, the thing is, they couldn't. That day they killed 231 billion ants; each Chinese, discounting the babies who were obviously exempt from labor, killed an average of 800 ants each. Go see what happens today in China: it's still full of ants!  Who can believe that the TIPNIS, who are so few, will be able to take over their ants? It is clear that we do nothing like this, and that the benefits of civilization, progress and social justice are not going to reach the TIPNIS either, so we have to think about more in-depth solutions, real solutions.
We could put the TIPNIS in an art gallery - now that they are well known, remarketers. In a gallery where there are no ants, of course.
The Chácobos can be sent to Amsterdam, who are good people and have a law that prohibits cannibalism. On the other hand, a friend who lives there told me that there are almost no ants in Holland.
I forgot about the Yaminawas, who luckily are also very few. They would be happy in an airport cafeteria or in a photograph. In the photo, surely there will be no ants. The cafeteria should be checked well, thoroughly, carefully, eh?
We must find a final solution for these people who live - poor - in the middle of the jungle. Who was talking about a "final solution"? Mick jagger? No. Mother Teresa of Calcutta? Neither. I don't remember now -García Márquez? - but it can't be that the TIPNIS don't have Apple computers or toasters, they don't have atomic washing machines or French perfumes, golf courses with synthetic turf or silk ties. All for living in a place that is also full of ants. If we put them on top of an iceberg with penguins? Or in a chicken shop?
An ideal and willful engineer wrote me an email telling me that a definitive solution could be to tear down all the trees and pave the area, and build a 132,000 square kilometer parking lot that would even be, according to him, the largest in the world. Would not be bad. Good publicity. O higher praia do parking do Mundo! I asked the engineer - he is a very serious guy who works for Petrobras - to send me numbers, take care that it happens to us like the Chinese and the Great Helmsman.
Numbers, examples: How many days do we need to uproot all the plants, seedlings, weeds, chumeríos and weeds? What do we do with all that junk next? It would be necessary to make a very deep well, where to put everything. The well: how deep? And ... the deeper the better, because that way other things can be buried. You always have to think big. After: How much asphalt do we need to cover the entire area? If the asphalt layer is, say, two meters x 132,000 km2, do we have so much asphalt? If it is not enough, we can take stones. That we have a lot. We can cut the Illimani in two, and take all that stone there, and with that we cover everything, and that's it, as my friend Nicolás would say. We will wait for what Inge tells me, because these technical questions should not be taken lightly.
Well seen, that of paving the entire jungle has an advantage. The Indians should not be put anywhere else, we put them on top of the parking lot and the problem ended. Thus they would cease to be a hindrance and an obstacle: to one side, the cars. On the other side, them. They are going to memorize all the brands of the cars and besides they are going to be freaked out because no ants are going to screw them anymore. We all have a nice place to occupy in the development sun.
Pablo Cingolani - La Plata-Argentina, October 19, 2011
 For more information on this topic, see Xu Yi: The influence of local fauna in the secondary contradictions of the Chinese Revolution (Ediciones Progreso, Peking, 1964) and Fumang Chui: Mao entomologist. Are insects counterrevolutionary? Four hypotheses (Editorial Cartago, Madrid, 1972). To be fair, Mao was not the first Eastern leader to launch a campaign of animal extermination. In the 16th century, Emperor Sam Sun ordered the destruction of all the orange herons in the empire. One of them had defecated on his royal umbrella during a visit by the monarch to the beaches of the Yellow Sea. Sam Sun's anger prompted the birds to flee south, where they were worshiped by Cambodian Buddhist priests. Ironies of history: the Khmer Rouge ended up eating them all before the fall of Phnom Penh in 1975.